There is a principle in Crucial Conversations called Master my Stories.
This principal delves into how it is not the other person that makes you mad; it’s the story you tell yourself about what you’ve seen them do and heard them say, that makes you mad.
In other words it’s the interpretation and meaning you gave it that makes you mad.
To put this bluntly: YOU make you mad!
One of the skills in this principle is separate the facts from the stories. This is exactly the same principle you see in the CANDID approach where ‘C’ is for ‘compartmentalize’: identify which parts of your message are safe and which parts are unsafe.
So how do you know which are the safe parts? They are simply the facts. And the facts are the information that you have gathered through your five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching.
Let’s look at some examples:
| FACT - SAFE PART What you've seen or heard | STORY - UNSAFE PART What you make of what you've seen or heard |
|---|---|
| You find your flatmates towel on the floor in the bathroom. It's wet and its smelly. | Untidy slob. |
| You partner is walking around with a frown on his face. | Gmf! Bad mood again. Getting fed-up with it. |
| Your boss suddenly appears at your desk, puts a report on top of the work you're busy with, jabs his finger at some figures on the report just as you recognise its the one you gave him earlier and says: 'This can't be right. Where? How did you get these figures?' | He's in a mood! He doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm incompetent. He's having a go at me. |
| Your teenage daughter gets home late, after the time you agreed. | Only thinks of herself. Disrespectful - just ignores us. |
| There are unexplained items on your joint credit card statement. What's more it looks like these entries are from a hotel. | He must be having an affair. Definitely. This is proof! How could he?! |
Now you may be looking at these examples and think: ‘ What a lot of balderdash! I will never react that way.’ And you will be right. Because given a set of facts, you can make up any number of stories.
The problem is not that we make up stories. The problem is the effect our stories have on us; the emotions they create and the actions we take based on those emotions.
One of the things we do is jump to a conclusion and treat it as fact. That is why it sometimes becomes difficult to separate the facts from the stories. You may think it is a fact that the other person is angry; he may have said things, done things, and behaved in ways that show he is angry and you may have correctly interpreted all those signs as anger. The point is you interpreted it; you came to a conclusion, you gave it meaning; you told yourself a story. You may be right; and you may just as easily be wrong.
On the other hand, when YOU are angry, you are feeling that emotion, experiencing it. It is a fact for you. The other person may conclude you are angry based on your behaviour, but it is a story they tell themselves.
Separating the facts from the stories, compartmentalising the safe and unsafe parts of your message can be tricky, but it is worth it. Facts are visible, audible and verifiable. People on all sides can agree on them. Facts give you the information you need to start a difficult conversation in a safe place.
Makes you think, doesn’t it?
