Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems.

My grandmother was fond of saying: ‘Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems.’

Of course, at the tender age of 8, I had no idea what she was talking about. Now that I am wiser and have had my own share of ‘big children, big problems’, I am no longer surprised when people come to me in distress about adult children.

‘What do I say to my friend who is so distraught about her grown-up daughter?’

‘I can’t believe she is doing it! That’s not how I raised her! And no matter how much I talk to her about it, she won’t listen to me!’

‘I’ve given up with my son. He just plays computer games all day. But inside I am fuming. One day I am going to explode and it won’t be pretty!’

I know it well. You feel powerless. You worry. You have sleepless nights. You rant and rave. You get nowhere. What are you to do?

I found comfort and solace in these words of the Lebanese poet, Kahlil Gibran*:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

These words remind me that I am not in the driving seat of my children’s lives.

It encourages me

to take a more objective view
to trust in the upbringing and foundation I did provide
to treat them with respect
to allow them to come up with their own solutions instead of preaching and yelling at them what to do.

Most of all it stops me from playing the guilt card – making them feel guilty about their behaviour, especially what I’d call their ‘ungrateful ways’, and the effect I allow it to have on me.

If you are a parent, perhaps this resonates and you recognise what I’m on about.

If you know a parent who are stressing about their child, pass it on. It may just be the thing to give them heart.

*From the book The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran.