I persuaded a friend to let me help him with an issue using the CANDID process I mentioned in last week’s post and got muddled up 🙁
Violating my own rules: Test it on yourself first!
I will… I will… I promise!
CANDID is actually an acronym.
The individual letters remind you of the steps of this process and the word CANDID itself, is a reminder that those conversations we shy away from or where we don’t get the results we want, can be held honestly and openly in a way that gets your message across.
Compartmentalize your message.
Identify the parts of your message that are safe and the parts that are not safe. Safe parts tend to be facts. Things you’ve heard or seen. Of course, when you are angry or have other emotions, those are facts too. Own the emotion. Unsafe parts are the interpretations and conclusions you’ve drawn, given the facts.
Ask questions. Next you ask questions based on the other person’s response. Use open questions so you can draw the other person out and get their point of view. Be curious, not furious. Show interest in the other person and make it easy for them to ‘save face.’ This helps them to share their side and their view without getting upset or defensive.
Normalize. This is where you show you understand. You make the situation ‘normal’ by letting them know that their behaviour happens to other people as well. For instance, if you’ve asked them many times to do something and they keep forgetting, you can say ‘It’s easy to forget when you’re busy. We all do it sometimes.’ When you do this, you keep them in the dialogue. You are reassuring them ‘you are OK, just like the rest of us’ and there is once again no reason for them to get upset.
Discuss. This is where you get to discuss the problem – the thing you want them to change; the thing that’s upsetting you. You’ve laid the ground work. This person is feeling kindly towards you. You did not attack or make them feel bad because of their behaviour. Now you can say how important it is that they comply with your request. ‘It is important that everyone in the department logs information about the calls they take. How can we make it easier for you to do that?’ You put control back in their hands. You show respect that they can actually solve a problem and handle responsibility.
Incentivize: Make it compelling for them to make this change. Speak to why it benefits them. If you speak from your own perspective and what is important to you, your department or your company, they will lose interest. How will they benefit? ‘I want everyone in the department to be eligible for promotion and bonuses.’ You will have to do some thinking beforehand to work out what is really important to the person. What works for one won’t necessarily work for another.
Disengage. When the discussion is over, finish it up smartly by disengaging from it. This simply means closing the subject at hand and then shifting to a normal day to day topic. For instance, you can ask them how things are going on another project, comment that you’ll see them later at the team meeting, share information you know they’ve been waiting for or comment on any other work issue. This is an effective and necessary step that allows the other person to move on and learn what transpired in their own time and space.
I think a worked example would demonstrate the process nicely.
More reason to actually TEST the process for myself! 🙂
Photo Credit: Gwenaël Piaser
