Last week I told the story about the monks in a monastery where things were not going so well and the cryptic message from a rabbi, “one of you is the Messiah.” With their curiosity peaked, they started wondering which one of them might be the Messiah.
And that simple change, when they started looking at one another as though anyone of them could be the Messiah, changed the whole atmosphere at the monastery.
This change can be summarised in one word: respect. The monks started showing more respect for one another.
Respect is the key
This is the key when you talk to another person about anything, especially when it is something that you feel strongly about, you don’t agree with and it’s important to you:
Your boss micromanaging you and you want him to back off.
A colleague’s lack of hygiene habits are getting up your nose.
You overhear a member of your team talking disparagingly to a customer.
Often in these situations there are strong emotions. You may feel frustrated, embarrassed, angry, irritated or worse. Perhaps you have spoken to the person before, explained the situation and asked them to change their ways. And still no results – you might as well have talked to the wall.
What happens when you don’t show respect in a conversation? Especially a difficult conversation where emotions run high when it’s something that’s important to you?
We make it difficult for ourselves
Well firstly, difficult situation or not, we have a tendency to make it even more difficult for ourselves. Because our emotions are so strong, we tend to lead with how we feel. We’ve summed up the situation, and we are right of course!! And now we tell the other person in no uncertain terms:
You make me so angry!
Don’t you ever listen? How many times do I have to tell you?
You’re an idiot!
And of course, to the other person, this sounds like an attack. They have no option but to defend themselves and hey-presto! You have an argument on your hands.
What if we can start in a different way? A way that is safe for both the other person and for us?
Make it Safe
What if we can find a way of saying everything we want to say, in a way that makes it easy for the other person to hear us, take notice AND make the changes we ask of them? What if this way allows us to say everything we want to say, be totally honest and open and still be respectful of the other person?
This is exactly what the CANDID process promises. It is a blueprint for having painless conversations at work. Take a look at this article that explains the process in more detail.
The method brings together the principles of crucial conversations in a slick way. I have not used it myself, so am keen to test it. I’ll have to dig out one of my previous disrespectful honest and open discussions and see how the CANDID process might help me handle it differently.
What do you think? Is this something you could use for difficult situations at work? Or at home? Perhaps with the children?
I’d be interested to hear what you think. Drop me a line below in the comments.
Photo credit: Showing respect (RIP Ku, Sept 19, 2008) by gwaar via Flickr
