7 Principles for a Happy Life Together

This is a week of great excitement. Saturday is The Big Day.

My daughter is one of the bridesmaids and yes, my son is the groom.

It feels like a milestone in MY life! Is this normal? Is this how other mothers-of-the-groom feel?

And it feels like I should write something special, which is enough to make all words desert me!

Google to the rescue.

There are plenty of tips for a long-lasting relationship and a happy marriage on the internet. They are certainly worth a read and taking on board. But I wanted deeper, I wanted foundations. I wanted principles. Ideas you can hold all relationships to, your relationship with your spouse, your children, family, friends, co-workers and especially your relationship with yourself because that is the cornerstone for everything in your life.

As Shakespeare taught us: ‘This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.’

It took a while, but here they are: Seven ideas that in my view make for a strong foundation on which to build a long-lasting and happy life together.

1. Accept each other just as you are. Thomas Merton says it best: The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
2. It takes one to see one. We are mirrors for each other. The beauty you see in someone else, the love you see in their eyes, the qualities you see in them, is a reflection of the beauty, love and qualities in you. This is true of every quality you see in another person, whether it is a quality you admire or one you abhor. Ask yourself, ‘Where am I like this? When am I like this?’ It is sobering and humbling, especially when it comes to those qualities about others you don’t like. Remember, if you’ve spot it, you’ve got it. Then accept those qualities about yourself… it is crucial… it’s called making peace with yourself – accepting, loving and forgiving yourself.
3. Give what is missing. Only what you’re not giving can be missing in any situation. This is a lesson I learned from Marianne Williamson. It is a tough one. It requires you to be totally honest with yourself. Resistance, indignation, resentment and a whole slew of unexpected and uncomfortable feelings may engulf you. Stay with it; it will pass, then figure out how you can give what is missing. Do it with an open heart and an open mind so you can have the ultimate benefit, peace of mind. Do it with resentment and indignation and it will continue to gnaw at you.
4. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Everyone who comes into your life is there for a reason. For you to teach, share, grow or learn from them or vice versa. No one meets by accident. There is always a purpose. It may be as fleeting and simple as a child running into an adult and the adult not getting angry, to a lifelong association in a relationship. You can ask ‘What is the message here? What is the significance of this?’ There is no need to go digging for the answers. Ask the question, and the answers will emerge.
5. Allow and trust in the Divine Design of Life; that everything is unfolding for the highest good for everyone involved. Accept the truth of who you are, a spiritual being having a human experience. We are simply helping each other have the most complete human experience. That includes the ups and downs of life, as duality is the nature of life on this earth plane. How can we appreciate the highs if we don’t know the lows; and how will we ride out the lows if we have no hope or faith in the highs?
6. Mutual respect and mutual purpose. Respect is like oxygen. When it is there you hardly notice; when it is not there, your very life is compromised. Without respect, you feel under attack. The impulse is to defend yourself and assert your dignity before you can pay attention to anything else. When there is a lack of respect, one or both of you are not present in the conversation. Mutual purpose means you are both heading in the same direction, aiming for the same target, outcome or result. It means you care about each other and what is important to each other. When misunderstanding slips in, check for breaches of respect, apologise where necessary, clarify your purpose, clarify your intention, what it is you both want and why. Mutual respect and mutual purpose creates a space of safety for open and honest communication to flourish. You can drop your guard, be vulnerable, show your true colours and be true to who you are because you know you are truly loved.
7. Love and appreciation. ‘How do I love thee, let me count the ways’ wrote Elizabeth Barrett Browning. And Mother Theresa is known to have said ‘There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than bread.’ Nourish your relationship every day. Some people are auditory; they need to hear it. For example ‘You look awesome!’ Some people are visual; they need to see it. They love letters, cards, candles, flowers. Others are kinaesthetic; they need to feel it. A hug, pat on the back, going for a walk. If you don’t know, ask… you may be surprised… then surprise them.