The Marriage Box

The venue was beautiful. The ceremony was beautiful. The happy couple was beautiful. The guests were beautiful.

Everything worked out perfectly.

It was wonderful to see all the meticulous planning coming together effortlessly and smoothly. Hats off to all those who put in all that hard work. I know who you are 😊

I am feeling very proud and ‘expanded’ – like my family grew; which it did. I now have a new daughter (-in-law) and her parents and family are beautiful people and new best friends.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on last week’s post and sent me their tips for a long and happy relationship.

Here are a few in no particular order:

- DON’T go to bed angry with each other.
- Laughter helps – it’s a great diffuser of tension.
- Genuinely listen to each other. This can be particularly challenging when you feel angry or hurt but it is really important. You might have missed something.
- For relationships to succeed they need to be reciprocal. If you give and give and give without getting much back, you end up feeling resentful. Worse even is that your emotional engine will be empty and you will be of little use to yourself and to others.

Thank you for these wise words, all in accord with these sentiments from the unknown author of The Marriage Box.

Most people get married assuming that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, romance, sexual fulfilment, intimacy, friendship, laughter, financial security, joys doubled and sorrows and burdens halved. Most people pick their partner because they think/hope/assume that everything they’ve found with that person will either continue or get even better.

But the truth is that, in the beginning, a marriage or an intimate relationship only gives you a taste of these. The box is loaded with freebees and samples. Soon the box will be empty. Unless both people start putting things into the box.

Like Love. Kindness. Appreciation.

There is no Love in marriage. Love is in people. And people either put the love in marriage or keep it out.

There is no romance in marriage; people have to add romance and passion to their relationship or else the relationship will turn tepid and stagnant.

A couple must learn the art of and form the habits of giving, sharing, loving, being kind, being affectionate, serving, sacrificing, communicating, appreciating, forgiving, accepting, not sweating the small stuff, being consistent, and so on. In other words, keeping the box full.

Or else the box will empty.

That’s what happens when one or both people take out more than they put in, the box soon empties.

To keep the Marriage Box full requires that we be willing to work at the relationship (that we have a work ethic; that we give as much as, if not more than, we take; that we try to leave things as good as, if not better than, we found them), and that we bring a healthy version of our “self” to the relationship (and not a depleted self, not an unproductive exploitative self).