Will the real me please stand up

It seems last week’s I AM post raised more questions than answers. One reader wrote:

“Hi Riana,

You have the tendency to confront me quite often with a thought or idea that is not even close to anything I have considered. I find it is good. It gets me out of the normal rut and makes me think on subjects that I would never have given a thought.

I must say that I am did float into my mind, but never to the extent that I gave it serious thought. Now that I am thinking about it, I can’t seem to come to a conclusion:

I am can have many different things and meanings. To me the most important is:
Am I the husband to my wife that I must be?
Am I the father to my children that life makes possible for me to be?
Am I the good and reliable worker that is expected of me ?
Am I a good Christian?
But of most important, am I the person that God wants me to be.

Many of the questions I have answers for to a reasonable extent but no certainty.
Maybe I am not so clear in my mind of what I am. For now, I am what I am.
Maybe you can help me clear up some of the wanderings my mind has taken to on this.”

Well, that is what you get when you stick your neck out – difficult questions to answer. And I certainly don’t have all the answers. I’ll have a go and hopefully it will help to answer some questions or indeed, give more food for thought!

The first thought that came to mind as I read this was ‘by whose rules?’ So often we accept the standards and rules set by others for being a good worker, spouse, parent or other role. Personally I think it’s advisable to check in with yourself whether or not these rules are your own or someone else’s. That way you make a conscious choice even if you decide to go with the prevailing rules.

There is an exercise that often comes up in personal development workshops: BE / DO / HAVE. You take a sheet of paper, divide it into three columns and give each column a heading: BE for column one, DO for column two and HAVE for column three.

Then you sit down and muse: who do you want to BE? What kind of person would you like to BE? Think of the qualities you would like to cultivate – peaceful, wise, loving, kind.

Next, consider column two. What do you want to DO? Perhaps you would like to write a book, teach the world to sing, go on holiday in the Bahamas.

Lastly, consider what you would like to HAVE. Maybe you would like a five bed-roomed, house a mile from a specific beach. Maybe you want a zippy little sports car. Maybe you want a new outfit for your friend’s wedding.

The idea is that you dream. You open your mind, remove all blocks and set your imagination free. Now is not the time to think ‘I’ll never have the money’ or ‘that only happens to lucky people’ or ‘I live on the wrong side of town’ or whatever else that little protesting voice in your head is coming up with. Just tell it ‘thanks for sharing’ and carry on dreaming.

When you do this exercise you can hone in and think about what kind of person, husband, wife, parent or friend you want to be. You can think about how you can deliver the best work you’re capable of, you can consider the kind of person God wants you to be. You just let your mind wander, ponder, imagine and dream.

When you do an exercise like this and allow the answers to come to you from deep inside you rather than from what you have been taught about who you are, how to be, how to work, what God wants, what you can and can’t have, you start excavating the truth of who you are.

There is a difference between your everyday self and your true self. So yes, I AM can be confusing. Sometimes when we talk about I AM, we refer to our everyday self, for example when we say ‘I AM hungry’, what we really mean is my body is sending me signals that it needs food.

When we say ‘I AM fearful’, what we mean is that there is a part of me that feels scared. That part is your everyday self. The true essence of you is never fearful. Your true self has qualities like self-reliant, evolutionary, loving, creative, knowing, accepting and peaceful.

It is useful to know how to tell difference between your true self and your everyday self. There’s a great article by Deepak Chopra explaining just that.