Give what is missing. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?

If you want more love, be more loving. If you want more kindness, be more kind. If contribution is missing, contribute more. If consideration and respect is missing, then give consideration and respect.

I learnt this wholeheartedly a few years ago at a workshop with Marianne Williams, the leading teacher of A Course in Miracles.

Now, this was not new to me. I had heard it before, I knew it in my head as an intellectual concept, but I had not experienced it; did not know it in my heart, until that day.

Marianne led us through an exercise:

“Think of a situation in your life that you are not satisfied with; a situation that is not quite how you would like it.”

At that time I was running a project that was very frustrating. It was all stop-start, one-step-forward, three-steps-back.

Then came the next question: “As you think about that situation, what is missing?”

Hah! That was easy! Attention! The managers were not giving this project the attention and consideration it needed. They were underestimating the difficulties. Having done similar projects in the past with standalone retail banking systems, they thought this one would be much the same, could be run in the same way and deliver the required results. No consideration for an international user base, different business model, time zones, cultures, toolsets, highly automated integrated systems and a small team. They were comparing apples and oranges. It was difficult to get and hold their attention to explain these differences.

Marianne’s next question cut into my reverie: “Give what is missing. How can you give what is missing?”

That’s when it hit me.

I was not giving this project the attention and consideration it needed. I complained about it in great detail. I resented having to do it. It seemed doomed to fail.  We struggled to immerse people in the learning situations so they could support systems new to them.  I went through the motions of doing the right things, but my heart was not in it. Consequently I was paying it lip service and not giving it the attention and consideration it needed.

What a light bulb moment! As that realisation sunk in, I was not giving the project enough attention, focus and consideration, a sense of release and relief coursed through me. It was as though something in me suddenly gave way, much like a hosepipe with a kink in it, the tap wide open and nothing coming through; then suddenly the kink is straightened out and the water can flow freely and effortlessly.

I went back to work with my new insight, stood back, looked at things objectively and started telling it like it was without emotionally loaded comments. The complaining stopped. The project ‘felt lighter.’ I was able to accept the situation with this project – it was as it was.  I had found a measure of detachment. With the newfound objectivity and freedom came better questions:  What else can we do? How can we capture the missed learning and make it available to others?

The learning that day went deep: What’s missing? Give what is missing.

What you resist, persist. I had certainly resisted this project* and it remained a thorn in my flesh until the learning and acceptance that came from “What’s missing? Give what is missing.”

This is an ongoing lesson for me, one I struggle with. So I would be interested to hear how it is for you or if you’re struggling with it like I do.

–   Think of a situation in your life, one you are not satisfied with; it’s not quite how want it.
–   As you think about that situation, what is missing?
–   Give what is missing. How can you give what is missing?

*Project update: I left the organisation before completing the project. Some months later I asked one of the team members whether the project was on track. The sniggering and roll of eyes spoke volumes. Last I heard there was a re-organisation, so I suspect the project came to a natural end and things reverted to the way it was before.

Photo credit: Michał Trochimiak