Part 1 of Speak your Truth explored the dilemma of finding the words to speak up when you are upset and how to get to the bottom of the emotions you’re entangled in. I also promised to share a formula for speaking your truth in a way that is safe for you and the other person.
Speaking your truth means ‘coming clean’ with what is going on for you and sharing that truth with the person for whom it is intended.
It can be a scary and vulnerable place. That is why most of us avoid Big Scary Conversations.
What if you speak up and the other person gets angry and starts shouting at you?
What if you know the other person will be hurt by what you want to say and you cannot face the ramifications and guilt feelings? ‘Mom will be devastated if I tell her to stop interfering. We’re all she has, and she’s doing it with the best of intentions.’
So we dance around these conversations, evading and avoiding the elephant in the room. Some favourite tactics are:
- You say nothing.
- You vaguely refer to the issue, sometimes with a hint or more of sarcasm, so ‘they’ can ‘get’ what you mean. They never do!
- You sugar coat and make out it’s not as bad as it is. ‘Oops! You did it again! Spilled food down your shirt! Thank goodness for washing machines!’
- You go on the attack and make out it is ‘their’ issue. ‘I have something to tell you, but I dare not, because you cannot handle adult conversation.’
These tactics are all smoke and mirrors. Nothing gets resolved, the important things are left unsaid and the relationship suffers because over time, as more and more things remain unsaid, it becomes increasingly difficult to talk about what really matters.
Before we speak our truth, we need to know what it is: What is it you’re not saying, what you are afraid of that might happen if you say it, and what you would like to happen if you say it?
Once you know this and with a little guidance on how to start the conversation, it becomes much easier to speak up. Reid’s “Say What’s Not Being Said” Difficult Conversation Formula does exactly that.
A two-step formula
Step 1 helps you get clear on what you’re not saying, to whom, why you’re not saying it, and what you’d like to achieve by saying it and
Step 2 helps to make initiating a difficult conversation easier. The script in Step 2 helps to build context and communicate your intentions while allowing you to share what it is that you’re not saying.
It works like this:
Step 1: Find some time alone and write down the answers to the following questions, in the order they appear… Just write for 3-5 minutes on each question, non-stop. Keep the pen moving or your fingers typing for the full 3-5 minutes. Write all the stuff swirling around in your head and get it on paper or a computer screen. If you get stuck, write: “I’m stuck. I can’t think of anything…” until your brain unsticks itself. Keep moving!
- What I’m not saying to ___(partner, boss, parent)__ is ___________________.
- What I’m afraid might happen if I say it is ___(Remember, you’re brainstorming! Your list can’t be too long! The longer the better!)___.
- What I’d like to have happen by saying this is ___(Write down all the positive things you can think of!)____.
Step 2: Cut and paste your answers into the script below. This is the script to memorize or read from when you talk to so and so. It can also be the script that you use to compose a letter or email.
Dear ___(partner, boss, parent)__, there are some things I’ve not been saying to you. I’m not saying them/haven’t been able to say them, because I’m afraid the following might happen:
- (Answers from B here)
- (Answers from B here)
- (Answers from B here)
What I would like to have happen by my telling you is:
- (Answers from C here)
- (Answers from C here)
- (Answers from C here)
And what I’m not telling you is
- (Answer from A here).
Thank you for listening. What, if anything, would you like to share?
A Worked Example
Here’s an example of a Difficult Conversation Formula Script all filled in with a situation which, unfortunately, might be all too common these days…
“Dear partner, there are some things I’ve not been saying to you. I’m not saying them, because I’m afraid the following might happen:
- You will lose all respect for me
- You’ll divorce and leave me
- You will take the kids away and I will never see them again
- You will never forgive me and I’ll have no chance of rebuilding your trust in me
What I would like to have happen by my telling you is:
- For you to know that I would never lie to you and that you trust me more
- That when I lie or hide something from you, I’ll try to come clean as quickly as I can
- That we reach a deeper level of love, trust and intimacy in our relationship
- That we role model for our children that it’s possible to make it through tough times.
And what I’m not telling you is I was let go from my job a week ago and I was too afraid and ashamed to tell you and I’ve been spending my days at Starbucks applying for jobs without much success yet.
Thank you for listening. What, if anything, would you like to share?”
This is one formula, and it works very well.
How about giving it a go next time you are withholding information that you are afraid to share?
Tips for Getting Started with the formula
It can feel awkward when you first start using this formula. Why not start off with something that is not too scary?
It is OK to have the script with you and even read it when you have the conversation. You’ve done the work. You have clarity. As the conversation unfolds, it can get scary again. Referring back to the notes will remind you of your intention and reasons for sharing and help you to stay in the conversation.
If you think you might be interrupted before you have said everything on your script, ask them before you start to let you speak till you’re done.
PS: You can download a PDF copy of Reid’s formula here.
Photo Credit: RGBStock.com
