Dear Reader, have you ever been in this situation?
You’re upset. You want to speak up and say what is bothering you and you cannot find the words?
When you search your mind and memory for the words that will convey your truth, what you are feeling at this moment, what you need at this moment, and what you’re thinking at this moment, your mind feels like mush.
And you feel powerless.
So you sit with a tight knot in your stomach, a constricted band around your throat, heavy arms and legs weighing you down, and you say nothing.
If anything escapes your lips, it may be a grunt, a scream or a sniff as you start tearing up.
Or you go to the other extreme and start lashing out.
- ‘You never listen to me!’
- ‘You never give me a chance to say what I want to say – you always interrupt me!’
- ‘Do you always have to have the last word!?!’
- ‘You’re heartless; you don’t care!’
- ‘You make me SO angry!’
If you recognise yourself in this, you probably have your stock of favourite phrases ready to leap off the tip of your tongue with a will of their own. Let me know yours. It would be interesting to compare notes.
I bet you also know that when you react like this, it is not helpful. Not for you, not for the other person, not for the situation and not for the relationship.
What can you do?
My Story
A few months ago my son – all grownup now at the ripe old age of 32 – told me about a situation in his life. It involved bailiffs and the law. He was at a critical juncture in his student life and I recognised the impact this situation could have on his studies. My heart went out to him and while I was calm and collected and did everything I could to support him, inside I was ranting and raving:
- ‘Why this? Why now?
- ‘He has had such a lot to put with; why can’t some things just go easily for him for a change?’
- ‘It is so unfair! He does not deserve this!’
- ‘Is that too much to ask?’
I did not tell him any of this. He had enough to be dealing with. Besides, it was my ‘stuff.’
I promised I would seek advice and guidance from my network to supplement what he had already done in the name of damage control. That evening I sat down to type an email to my network, explain the situation and ask for suggestions.
I touch type. But that evening I could not type. Words came haltingly to form sentences and my fingers steadfastly refused to respond. My entire body was as taut as a tightly strung wire, about to snap any minute. Until that moment, I did not realise just how stressed I was.
That is when I hauled out my list of Emotions from Byron Katie and flipped to the side that says in big bold letters across the top: ‘ANGRY, DEPRESSED, CONFUSED, HELPLESS, INDIFFERENT, AFRAID, HURT, SAD, JUDGEMENTAL‘. Under each heading, carefully arranged in columns, are lists and lists of descriptive words.
I scanned each heading and down its columns to find a word or words that described what I was feeling and picked out the ones that resonated with me:
Yes, I was angry; furious, in fact! Powerless jumped out at me, as did perplexed, stressed, fatigued, distraught, vulnerable, fearful, pained and a host of others. I went down each column and faced the truth of what I was experiencing. As I named each one, recognising my reaction and allowing myself to feel it in my body, the tension began to dissipate.
A revelation!
Wow! Until then I had not appreciated how complex our responses can be! By the end of the exercise, I had easily gathered fifteen to twenty words that described what I was feeling! No wonder it is so difficult to speak your truth when you are experiencing such a range of emotions and reactions when you’re upset. No wonder nothing comes out when you stand there dumbfounded by what is happening to you. No wonder you are frustrated at your inability to communicate at these times. No wonder the best you can do is clam up or blow up!
Awareness is Power
If you’re like me and what you want to say eludes you when you’re upset, take heart. Awareness is power. Simply knowing that a lot is going on for you in that moment and that you need time to make sense of it, gives you an advantage and the strength to ask for what you want: time out, so you can unravel that tangle of emotions and understand your own reactions before you can communicate clearly.
It is okay to go scream at a tree, a lamppost, a pillow, pound your fists, beat a pillow, go for a run or do whatever you need to do (safely!) to work off some of the frustration. Then I strongly recommend you go to the Byron Katie list and identify just what is going on for you. Feel the feelings, even if and especially if it is not pretty. Acknowledge it. It is when we look it squarely in the eye that we take the sting out of it.
Once you have come face-to-face with your own truth, you are in a much better position to clearly and convincingly say your piece. You’ve taken back your power. You have a measure of control. You see, you can have your emotions, or they can have you. With this strategy, you face up to them. You identify them, name them and own them. That opens a path for healing.
It takes courage. It reminds me of the book by Susan Jeffers, Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Will you be brave? Will you give it a go?
What have you got to lose?
You don’t have to wait till next time.
Recall a situation where you could not speak up. Use Byron Katie’s list and start identifying and naming your emotions and reactions. Just notice; no need to judge, yourself or anybody else! Simply shine a light on that dark glop of emotions you had at the time and see what comes up.
Let me know how this works for you and what you’ve learned in the process. I’d love to know.
PS: Watch out for part two next week. I will be sharing a formula for speaking your truth in a way that is safe for you and the other person.
Photo Credit: RgbStock.com
