Back in the day when my children were tiny people, my Danish mother-in-law had a penchant for getting them wellington boots.
The eternal question on my mind was ‘Why?’
In those days we lived in Johannesburg, South Africa, a summer rainfall area where thunderstorms in the afternoon are the norm and the winters are short, bitingly cold, dry and dusty.
To me, the whole idea of wellington boots was daft.
Why would you want children who love running barefoot on soft green lawns in summer, to wear wellington boots? Why would you want children who loved to romp about in the cold, dry winter, trainers on to protect their tender feet from the prickly hay-looking, dry, bristling spikiness of the same stretch of grass, to wear wellington boots?
Why?
Because after one of those summer pelting-down-rain-and-hail-showers that sends everyone scurrying for cover, the children might want to splash in the warm pools of water? My children much preferred to do that barefoot anyway.
So we, my mother-in-law and I, had a bit of an impasse when it came to wellington boots.
It was not until I came to the UK twenty-odd years later, that I ‘got’ it.
Wet, cold, damp. That clinched it for me. Who wants to romp about barefoot in wet, cold, pools of water? Or wet, cold patches of grass, especially in winter? The only solution is a pair of wellington boots!
She, ma-in-law, was right. A child should have a pair (or two) of wellington boots! Otherwise, you will have endless pairs of wet and ruined shoes. Besides, who knows what dreaded lurgy(s) lie in wait for just such conditions to wreak havoc with the health of one’s little darlings?
There is another old Northern European custom I used to find quaint. Nightcaps. The kind you see actors wearing in historical films and documentaries in bedtime scenes when they’re dressed in pyjamas.
‘Daft’ I used to think. ‘Not in the least sexy! Why would anyone do that?’
Then last week I was SO cold after my recent two weeks of warmth and bliss in South Africa, the penny suddenly dropped.
They did it because it was PRACTICAL. Not because it was fashionable or the thing to do. They did it for the simple reason of staying warm! That is when I got it in my bones. Next time I see a scene like that in a program, my mind will know the wisdom of ‘keeping warm’ and be at peace, instead of bristling annoyingly and commenting, ‘Daft! How can anyone think that is flattering?!’
Plausible and Valid
Bit by bit, I have learned and am STILL learning that people do things for a reason. Typically, it is a very plausible and valid reason. It is just that we don’t always see that reason from our perspective.
Just yesterday when I went to the dentist, this very same idea smacked me in the face and I had to make a U-turn.
There I was in my car, having driven down the narrow one-way lane into the parking area at the dentist, when I was confronted by a car wanting to go out via the ‘way-in’ lane.
‘What? Not this way out, Buster!’ or something like that went through my mind.
Buster frantically signalled that I should go back the way I came. I was not going to do any such thing! I wanted to park and if he wanted out via the ‘way-in’ lane, that was his problem and he would have to get out of the way first, so I can park!
Fortunately, another driver spotted the dilemma and showed Buster how and where he could manoeuvre his car so I could get passed.
That’s when I spotted the Blocked Drains of Oxted van blocking the ‘way-out’ lane and the scales fell from my eyes. Buster had a point after all! His solution to the problem was for me to reverse all the way back out of the ‘way-in’ lane. My solution was for him to get out of the way, so I could get out of his way, clearing the way for him to get out.
Easy on the Labels
Which goes to show again: People have a good reason for doing the things they do, no matter how mysterious, puzzling, annoying or daft they seem to us.
Just because we’re not standing in their shoes, thinking with their brain, seeing it from their point of view, we don’t know why they do what they do.
That does not stop us from having plenty of opinions though! And we’re quick to dish out the labels liberally: What an IDIOT! How STUPID can you get! That’s RIDICULOUS!
I am sure you have heard more choice ones or even have some of your own.
What if, instead of jumping to conclusions and start labeling the other person straightaway, we ask a question: ‘Why would a reasonable, rational human being do a thing like that?’
And yes, you DO have to give them the benefit of the doubt – that they ARE reasonable, that they ARE rational, even though it does not seem that way to you at the time.
See what you come up with. Even if it is just something small, it will be enough to put a crack in your watertight case that you are absolutely right and they are absolutely wrong.
It works for me. Every time. When I use it. In return, I have more peace, less conflict, better relationships.
Let me know what you think and if this works for you. The world can SO do with more peace and less conflict. Will you give it a go?
