‘Tis the season to be jolly.

It is also the season when the strains of our everyday life are magnified and emotions are heightened.

We feel under financial pressure to have a great Christmas. We have expectations of a blissful and happy family get-together. After all, we are all so busy and for many families, we live so far apart, we seldom have the opportunity to get together. Christmas time is the perfect time to be together again, all of us, just like old times.

We want it all. And we want it perfect.

Well, perhaps old times have moved on. Children might have grown up and have partners of their own; perhaps even children of their own. Strangers who never featured in your family get-togethers before, now also have to be considered when it comes to who visits with whom over Christmas. It is also quite possible that some of these ‘strangers’ who are now part of the family, may not get on so well with others in the family.

For instance, Big Sister’s Partner may not be popular with Big Brother. And Big Brother’s Wife may think you are the Mother-in-law- from-hell.

I am sure you get my drift. All in all, a potent mix for another round of character-building opportunities like ‘keeping a stiff upper lip’, ‘getting over it’, ‘being nice’, ‘rising above it’, ‘saying it like it is’, ‘sulking,’ overindulging and whatever other strategies we typically employ for such situations.

By the way, have you noticed how they amp up their foibles and irritating ways over this time that is supposed to be full of joy and peace?

Add to this that in these situations we typically want to

• • • Be right
    • Look good and save face
    • Keep the peace at all costs and avoid conflict
    • Win and have the last word
    • Punish or blame others

And we have the makings of a soap opera to rival the likes of Eastenders.

What is it with us?

We are not very good at dialogue – talking things through, getting ‘it’ out in the open so we can get to the bottom of what is really going on.

We don’t know how to talk to each other without upsetting ourselves and the other person.

We don’t know how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that may come up.

We blame them, rather than consider we may have had a part to play.

We rant and rave to others about them, getting upset all over again, rather than investigating what is really going on.

We avoid the F-word, forgiveness, like the plague. Forgive them? After what they’ve done to us? Never!

We don’t stop to consider why they may be behaving the way they do.

We swallow all of that unpleasantness, put up with it, make out it is nothing and when something crops up that remind us of the situation, we relive the experience all over again, often with a little tail attached as we suddenly gain a new insight about the situation.

We consider everyone who does not agree with us, to be on their side.

We would rather be right than have peace.

We want a quick fix.

The thing is, there is never a quick fix to these situations. It requires taking a step back. It requires introspection. It requires a different perspective. It requires a change of heart and mind. And you have to be willing. Willing to find a better way, no matter what it takes. When you are ready, you’re ready. And when you’re not, no one can convince you otherwise.

That little willingness is enough though. It is enough to attract people into your life who can help you. Someone you can talk to, a therapist, doctor, coach. You will become aware of books you can read, courses you can do, things you can learn that will help you find what you are looking for.

Little by little you will succeed. The peace you are seeking, is awaiting you.

Wishing you a Blessed Christmas.

Books:
Crucial Conversations – Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan
Difficult Conversations – Bruce Patton and Douglas Stone
Life-Changing Conversations – Sarah Rozenthuler
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life – Dr Marshall Rosenberg

Photo Credit: RgbStock.com