How would you rather feel?

Powerful or powerless?

How do you prefer to be treated?

Told what to do as though you are a child, or be given a choice? ‘Here are some options – what would you prefer to do?’

Or better still, asked for your opinion as though what you have to say matters?

I have yet to come across someone who prefers to feel powerless and who wants to be told what to do all the time. Most of us want to feel we have a say, a choice, that our feelings, opinions and input matter, that WE matter.

So how come we are so hard on ourselves?

We berate ourselves often.

I should not eat so much chocolate.
I should have phoned my dad weeks ago.
I should have done those taxes last week when I had more time.
I should not have shouted at the children.
I should not get so irritated with my boss.
I should not watch so much TV.

It does not stop there…

I am too old, fat, ugly, lazy …
I am so unfit.
I am not organised.
I could never do that, I am not clever enough.
I am too shy to ask for a raise, besides, I would never get it.
I never feel properly dressed for any occasion.

You get it by now I’m sure. On and on we go, criticising, judging and punishing ourselves.

Someone else has a bad day and we wonder what we did to cause it, blaming ourselves for their meltdown.

This is not being kind to yourself. This is not how you treat your best friend. Why would you treat yourself that way?

When we see someone else doing this to another person, we call it abuse. Emotional abuse. How is this behaviour not self-abuse? Not self-attack?

Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

Don’t get me wrong. It is not Miss Perfect speaking here. I have been there, done that, and got the T-shirt.

This is what I found from my experience:

As I learned to lighten up and not be so hard on myself, my criticism of other people became less.

As I blamed myself less for other people’s meltdowns and blamed others less for mine, I started feeling more in control and less at the mercy of others and what was happening in the world around me.

As my centre of control shifted from ‘out there’ to ‘in here,’ I started feeling more at peace.

It did not happen overnight. No sir-ree! Not by a long shot. It was a process, almost imperceptible for a while.

It happened because I was looking for a way out.

There was a time when I was convinced that guilt and motherhood were synonymous. And I was no longer prepared to live with that guilt. It was too painful, too suffocating, too debilitating. You could say it broke me open. Point is, I was ready and as you know, ‘when the student is ready, the teacher appears.’

How about you?

Are you ready to lighten up and be more kind to yourself? Will you stop the self-attack? Stop berating yourself, criticising yourself, blaming yourself?

Are you open to noticing those thoughts next time they creep up on you?
That is all you have to do. Just notice.

‘Yes, but what else can I think?’ a client asked me this week.

One option is to replace it with something like ‘Interesting that I should think that thought.’

That counteracts the original thought and renders it powerless. More power to you!

Another option is to say (out loud or quietly) ‘cancel, clear, delete.’ It’s an ‘undo’ action.

After that, you can work your way to replacing those thoughts with affirmations; empowering thoughts that enhance your life rather than thoughts that undermine your self-esteem and confidence.

What do you say? Are you up for it?

Go on, give it a go. What are you waiting for?

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