The following excerpt is from the book Communication Impact, by Stacey Huish. The book is a compilation of stories from different authors; each story demonstrating an important aspect of communication. I was one of the authors and this is one of my contributions.

‘Just let the words come, just let them come’, she said.

So here I am with pen and paper – letting the words come. And what is it that wants to come, wants to be said? Needs to be said?

This: That I ignore impulses to write, to do the things that well up. And when I do that, I know of at least two things that happen.

Firstly, those impulses become weaker and weaker and secondly, a paralysis comes over me if I don’t respond to the impulse. My arms get heavy, my stomach ‘clenches’, if that’s what stomachs can do, a weight descends on my hips and spreads down my legs like lead. It is not a pleasant feeling.

And yet, I ignore it. Ignore it at my peril, because in ignoring it I deny a part of me, that intuitive part of me that is looking for an ‘out’. It has been hiding for years, being ignored, being suppressed, being told to wait, there are more important things to do. And yet, I suspect this very part that I block is that part of me that knows the full measure of love and joy, kindness and compassion. It’s the ‘real me’. The part that if I deny it, leads me to emptiness, depression, not knowing what life is about, what I am about, what my real purpose is – that thing that I and only I can do.

So why do I do it?

Deny this most crucial part of me – because it is evident that I know how important it is. So why deny it? Is it because, in the words of Marianne Williamson ‘our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure’? And I feel like a Moses – reluctant to take up the task that’s mine and only mine, because who am I after all to be worthy of such a mighty task, whatever that may be?

There we go again, the two voices in my head. One belongs to the hidden self. It is soft and it is urging me to write and get on with what is important. And as soon as I pay attention, the other voice protests, stronger, louder, scornful, claiming all attention. ‘Oi, who do you think you are? Wanting to fly higher than your wings can carry you?’

And whose voice do you think that is? One I heard all the days of my childhood. So here I am, a grown woman with grown children and still that voice resounds in my head. But I have a sneaky suspicion those are borrowed words. Easy words my other self, the one who gets uppity when the hidden self emerges, can marshal to get me back in line. Oh yes! It wants me to tow the line and not do anything to upset the status quo. It is in charge and it feels threatened when this other part peers out. It does not want anything or anyone else to take over the running of my life.

And so it fights back. And what better way than to tell me ‘you can’t, you are not big enough, strong enough, worthy enough. You are not enough.’

‘You are not enough’. What a mantra to live one’s life by!

And here’s the thing – I am not the only one. I have heard this from friends, from clients, from my children, from other delegates at seminars and workshops, books I read, the list goes on. So what is this all about then?

Several years ago, a colleague of mine resigned from what was considered a prestigious and well paid job. He had been unhappy at work, became more and more depressed and very distressed. When we talked about his reasons for resigning, the real reasons which he found difficult in naming, I mentioned a time in my life when I chose to leave a situation because I felt inside I was dying. His eyes lit up in recognition. Those words resonated with something deep in him, helping him name it and acknowledge it. In that moment, something shifted and a very painful situation gave way to ease and grace. I am so grateful I could do that for him and be a witness in that moment. We connected deeply that day and you know; you just KNOW when you connect deeply with someone, heart to heart.

We shared a moment beyond the physical senses, beyond what the mind can understand. We tapped into another world, the one that tugs at our heart, inviting us to a different world, a different way of being. And for a moment you experience deep connection, bliss, a feeling of oneness, joy. And you know that no matter how painful it is leaving what you know behind, the alternative would be even more painful.

‘You are not enough’. Yes, I know who you are, oh fearful one, you who run my life according to other people’s expectations, other people’s rules. Hush now, I hear you and thank you for your message.

Now it is time to move on and choose differently, listen to the song in my heart and walk to a different drum. The music may be faint and I may not know the way, but it is the only way. You see, I have tasted my own nature and I want more, much more! I want to claim it all.

Photo Credit: Sanja Gjenero