There is a saying that goes ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’

I beg to differ. I know the phrase is a saying to let others know that bad things they say or write about you does not hurt you. My experience has been different.

When you are in the middle of an argument or a difficult conversation, caught up in strong emotions and can’t get the other person to see our point of view, it is easy to revert to inflammatory language.

Him:   ‘For God’s sake! Will you LISTEN!!’

You:   ‘I’ve been here LISTENING all the time. You’re the one who has been ranting and raving, not letting me get a word in edge ways, Dickhead!!’

Language like this is like a red rag to a bull and what author Alec Grimsley calls Landmine Language. Even if you have gone to the trouble to prepare for a difficult conversation, landmine language will undermine your hard work.

Here are some examples of landmine language that can trip you up royally.

Blaming:      ‘It’s your fault.’ ‘You were supposed to make sure everything checked out.’ ‘You made a right mess of this.’

Labeling, name calling:      ‘You’re a liar.’ ‘You’re lazy!’

Threatening , intimidating:      ‘Go on! Do that one more time – see what happens!’

Sarcasm:      ‘Which part of ‘I want it tomorrow’ don’t you understand?’

Dredging up the past:      ‘This is just like the time when you…’

Exaggeration:      ‘Now everything is ruined!’ ‘For the hundredth time, will you…!’

Generalisations:      ‘You never listen to me.’ ‘You always drag your mother into this.’

Infantalising, belittling:      ‘That’s a dumb idea.’ ‘You can’t ask HER to do it – what does she know!’

Ascribing false motives:      ‘What you really mean is you don’t trust me!’

Opinion paraded as fact:      ‘The fact of the matter is, you’re dead wrong.’

Body Language:       Words it may not be, yet when what you think or feel is written all over your face, it speaks as eloquently and loudly as the most carefully chosen landmine language.

Deliberately ignoring:      The message here is ‘I don’t care’; ‘you don’t matter.’

Every time you say or do something with a little ‘dig’ to get at the other person, you deliver a message with a load, a little dagger to hurt the other person. Problem is it undermines your efforts at dialogue, a productive discussion and the outcome you’re after. Even that ‘got him or her!’ feel-good feeling evaporates pretty quickly and leaves you with what… a bad taste in the mouth? a broken relationship? Is this what you want?