Have you noticed not all conversations are created equal?

Experts believe you can distinguish between 5 different levels of conversation.

1. Level of acquaintance
2. Information sharing
3. Sharing ideas
4. Sharing emotions
5. Gut level sharing

Let’s take a closer look.

1. Level of acquaintance.
These are easy conversations. You don’t share much about yourself. We typically employ this kind of conversation when we meet strangers. Often it is about the weather, transport, the news or exchanging other pleasantries. We may ask how the other person is and don’t really expect anything other than a perfunctory ‘I’m fine, thank you.’  And if we get more than we bargained for, we might well feel a bit miffed.

2. Information sharing.
Here we might share more about ourselves; but essentially the information we exchange are factual.
‘I was born in the East End of London.’
‘Let me explain how this system works.’

3. Sharing ideas.
Once we start sharing ideas, we expose ourselves a bit. We may express a viewpoint that is different from the generally accepted one. We take a risk to put forth this new idea, something different, unique, perhaps something that has never been tried before. Our ideas might be disliked, criticized, rejected and it may feel like a personal attack. Some work environments are like this; aggressive and hostile. New ideas and their proposer get frowned on, torn apart, ridiculed. Some families are like that too. Not very pleasant. You feel like an outcast, your face does not fit. The expectation is you shape up and conform or ship out.

4. Sharing emotions.
Shouting and screaming at someone that they make you sick, angry, mad and you can’t stand the sight of them, is not sharing emotions.
‘My stomach contracts and I feel frightened when you talk to me like that’, is sharing emotion.
I am not suggesting for a minute that should be your response when someone shouts angrily at you; depending on the situation, it may just tip them further over the edge. However, honestly acknowledging your own emotions and noticing how things are for you, is a first step. Nobody makes us feel anything. We choose how we feel; how we respond to what’s happening to us and around us. If it is safe enough, share how you feel. Share how it is for you.
I recently moved in with my partner. After a few weeks I was feeling miserable and realised I was missing my own home. Once I acknowledged this to myself, I shared it. It became a beautiful moment between us. I felt understood and supported and the feeling of missing my own home went away.

5. Gut level sharing.
This kind of conversation and communication is rare. This is when you come together with another person in an extraordinary way, when you both share the same emotion at the same level of intensity, it can feel like two souls merged into one.
Yes, it can happen when you stare into each other’s eyes declaring undying love. It can also happen when you are both so angry with each other and you are able to say it without tearing each other apart. Knowing the other person feels just like you has a softening effect. It takes the sting out and gives you a common point of reference.

Give of yourself

As you go down the five levels of conversation, you share more of your essence and who you are. This is risky business. Being vulnerable can be scary and frighten us so much, we tend to go right back and hide behind ourselves. It takes bravery and courage to be vulnerable and expose our inner, tender selves. It takes self-awareness, self control, flexibility and empathy to converse at the deeper levels and allow others to meet us there.

Of course, you don’t have to do it all the time and certainly not with everyone. We normally reserve these conversations for those we trust and have known for a long time. And it is so important. It is an opportunity to give of yourself. This is when you truly give, as the poet Kahlil Gibran teaches. So give yourself the opportunity to explore these depths with another and learn more about yourself, learn more about the other person. Not only will you be strengthening and deepening the relationship between the two of you; you will also be strengthening and deepening your relationship with yourself as you learn to trust yourself; trust your own opinions; trust your own wisdom.

Powerful

Conversations like these are powerful, life-changing, transformational. They feed the soul. Give it a go sometime.

Photo credit:  Irum Shahid