Before I launch into these techniques, let me be upfront and explain exactly who this ‘other half’ is.
It is NOT your husband, wife, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend or other significant person. Oh no! It’s much closer to home than that. I am talking about the other half of YOU – that OTHER voice in your head. The one that tells you off for not doing the things you ‘should’, for making sure you know you are not ‘good enough’. The one that finds fault with everything, the one that talks you out of WHO YOU ARE, the one that makes sure you toe the line so that you are ‘acceptable’ in its eyes and the eyes of the world, while your real, authentic self wither and die a slow painful death.
OK. Now that you are clear on who the mysterious ‘other half’ is, let’s get on with what you can do to help yourself when you feel stuck, struggle to find clarity, are torn between options, want to explore a situation or even access your own wisdom.
1. Journal. Write, write and write. Name the situation you want to get clear about, then sit down and write all your thoughts about it. What you would like to happen, what you would not like to happen, what you are afraid of, what might happen, what is most painful about it, how you feel about it, what is good about it. Use the 5W+H (who, what, where, when, why and how) to help you frame questions and just write whatever comes up. Afterwards review what you have written. Look for themes, look for contradictions, surprises, insights. Jot down what you find.
Tip: Review the summaries when you find you repeatedly explore the same situation. Look for themes there. Hello! If it is the same, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, time to wake up and start taking action!
2. Draw. Yes, that’s right – draw. Get yourself some colour pencils, inscribe pastels, crayons (decent ones – some are hideous and hardly make a mark on normal paper) or simply use pens or pencils and draw. Draw the situation as it is. All the confusion, frustration, sadness, fear, whatever and however this situation is, draw it. This is no time for ‘but I am not artistic!’ This is not about being artistic, it is about letting it all out, being cathartic or therapeutic. Sometimes words get in the way, so drawing what we are feeling, experiencing or how we see a situation, helps us release and express. Everyone can draw squiggles, lines, circles. Just let it happen. Afterwards you can tell yourself what it is all about, if you want to. Then draw the ideal outcome. How would you like it to be? What would you like to happen? Draw that. When you are done, you can tell yourself what that is all about. If you have a trusted friend or advisor, one who will not judge or make you feel awkward, share it with them.
3. Write yourself a letter, from one half to the other. Let the other write back. For instance:
‘Dearest Other Half,
I have had enough of your snapping, whining, bitching, critiquing and telling me I am not good enough. Now I will admit you are SO GOOD at what you do. But I know, deep inside there is a scared little beastie so afraid I may be BETTER than you. And you just don’t want me to find out, do you? But hey, Sister, I am ON to you. There is no need for a fight. We can work this out amicably. What do you say? Will you work with me?
Your loving First Half.’
‘Dear First Half,
How like you to claim ‘FIRST’ half! I have been telling you for years: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?? Don’t you think it’s time you start listening? I AM working with you. I have been looking out for you for YEARS. I work to protect you, to make sure you don’t look like an idiot, make sure the world won’t laugh at you. Are you asking me to stop doing my job?
Your not so loving Other Half’.
Keep up this correspondence until both halves have had their say and are ‘empty’. Co-operation will be much easier when both sides have expressed their feelings, needs and wants.
I am always surprised by the underlying anger, frustration and sheer jealousy revealed when I use this technique, especially as I don’t see myself as an angry, frustrated and jealous person. It is a humbling exercise for me, showing me parts of myself I am not in touch with. So be open, be kind to yourself, just accept, because that is where the power lies.
4. Write with your non-dominant hand. This is about getting a conversation going between your ‘left brain’ and ‘right brain’. Your left brain is typically the analytical side, responsible for lists, logic, language and the right brain is more muse like, responsible for expressing emotions, creativity, music, intuition. Each half of the brain is responsible for very different kinds of processes, so it follows that when you write with your non-dominant side, you activate brain processes that are atypical of your usual response. This is what you are after in this exercise. I love this exercise. I have learnt such a lot about myself, received such wisdom, clarity and guidance, so I highly recommend it. When I do it, I start off with my dominant hand, right hand in my case, writing a simple statement ‘Hello’, then put the pen in my left hand and write whatever comes to mind. At first it was awkward writing with my left hand; now it is much easier. I focus on what’s coming through rather than the unfamiliar feeling of writing with my non-dominant hand.
5. Perceptual Positions. This borrows from a technique in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) that helps you look at a situation from different perspectives. You pre-determine a physical position for yourself, First Half and another for Other half. One way to do this is to take two pieces of paper, mark it ONE and TWO and put these pieces of paper on the floor, a good few feet apart. Now you, First Half, stands at position one, look over to Other Half, imagine a person there, get a sense of who that person is, what they may be feeling, needing, wanting. Talk to them, say what you need to say, be open to the process and just let it happen. When you are done, shake your body out, yes, like a dog! Head over to position two, take on the persona of Other Half, look over to First Half at position one, imagine a person there, get a sense of them and repeat the process.
A few tips to make this more powerful. Talk out loud. Prepare some questions before hand, the ones that have been mulling in your head will do for starters or use the 5W+H (who, what, where, when, why and how).
The easy way to do this is by going for a walk along a road where you can walk on both sides. First Half walks on one side of the road, talk their ‘stuff’ and Other Half walks on the other side from where they speak their ‘stuff’.
– – – – –
There you have it. Five ways to help you get beyond the churning, worrying, discomfort, confusion, debate or however you experience those situations where you are at odds with yourself. So next time you find yourself in such a situation, pick the technique that appeals most, give it a go, see what is revealed. You may just be pleasantly surprised. Let me know how you get on.
