It’s what you do before you do what you do that makes the difference.

Does that make your brain knot or am I the only one?

I’ll say it again: It’s what you do BEFORE you do what you do, that makes the difference.

Said in a different way, it boils down to: perfect preparation prevents poor performance.

Personally, I’ll stick with the brain knot. The focus on poor performance is a bit negative for me. I would rather set a good intention and expect good things to happen.

There is much to be said for setting expectations where others are involved so your idea does not come as a surprise. They would have had time to get used to it; ask you questions about it; clarified your good intentions and figured out how it might impact them and their world, so when the time comes to act on your idea, they are likely to show much less resistance to it because they already know all they need to know and are happy to go along with you.

Let me explain:

One of the great objections I came across when facilitating Crucial Conversations training, was from people who would say: ‘Yes, I have done these sorts of courses before. It does not work. When I use it at home with my wife when we’re having an argument, she always comes back with ‘So! You’ve been on a course again and you think you can manipulate me with your newfangled ideas!’

How did she know? Because when you learn a new skill, it requires concentration. You are focusing on remembering what you have to do, why and how. So your focus is not on her and the topic of your argument. She senses your shift of attention. It comes through in the way you say things, in your voice, in your behaviour, in a myriad subtle ways that let her know you are pre-occupied with something else. So instead of using your newfound skills to soothe and smooth the situation, it actually makes it worse. Hence, in your opinion, it does not work and hey, you have the experience to back it up.

Now imagine you used the principle ‘it’s what you do before you do what you do that makes the difference.’

You came home one night and told your wife about the course you did. You tell her about the principals and explain some of what you remember. You may even fetch the notes to refresh your memory and share some more. You tell her you think these skills would make a difference to some tricky relationships you have at work. You would really like to practice these skills and use them at every opportunity. You suggest that when the two of you have a difference of opinion, it would be an ideal time to put the skills to the test. Would she be willing to help you learn these skills?

Depending on the state of your relationship, she is likely to be happy to oblige.

Now when the next heated discussion raises its head, you can say, ‘Wait a minute, remember that course I did a few weeks back? Let’s use some of those ideas.’

Or you can simply say, ‘Wait a minute, this is not getting us anywhere. Why don’t we take time out to rethink, regroup and continue when we both feel calmer.’ Then use that opportunity to recall the skills, work out what you really want and rethink how you might continue.

It’s what you do BEFORE you do what you do, that makes the difference.

It paves the road, it oils the squeak, it sets your intention and expectation for success.

Photo Credit : Bob Smith