So someone commented… ‘Your site is about difficult conversations, how to have those tough conversations, the one’s you’d rather not have for fear of the damage it can do, yet you seem to write about everything except that’.

Good point. How does what I blog about here relate to tough conversations?

Now I’ll do that annoying thing and answer the question with a question: How do YOU show up in a difficult conversation? Who are you during those crucial moments when a normal conversation crosses the line and becomes a tough one? What is a difficult conversation anyway?

Let’s start with this last question first. What is a difficult conversation, a crucial conversation, tough conversation, vital conversation, fierce conversation or challenging conversation?

Here are some indicators that you are facing a tough conversation:

• You feel uncomfortable, uneasy and or have some concern about having this conversation.
• You are unsure how to approach it or what to say.
• There may be several issues entangled and you don’t know where to start, which one to address.
• There is a difference of opinion or strong suspicion there will be conflict.
• There are strong emotions involved. You feel angry, sad, afraid, helpless, just thinking about it.
• It’s something that is important to you.
• Often there is baggage. You and this person or you and this situation have ‘a past’.

Examples of typical tough conversations are:

• Talking to your partner about his/her drinking/spending habits
• Talking to your teenager about his/her undesirable friends
• Talking to your manager about the way he treats you and other team members
• Talking to your grown up brothers and sisters about appropriate care for your elderly parent(s)
• Talking to an elderly parent about their deteriorating driving skills and what that means
• Asking a friend to repay you the money you lent him
• Having a conversation with someone who is psychotic
• Giving bad news

The list goes on….

In each of these examples, you’ll probably feel apprehensive about starting the conversation. You may have an idea how the other person may react and are worried about your own reaction when they do or say something that pushes your buttons.

So now we have a clear idea about what a difficult conversation is, let’s move on to the second question: Who ARE you when you find yourself facing a difficult conversation? Maybe this question is not very clear – so to clarify: How do you show up? How do you conduct yourself? Who are you ‘being’?

• Do you go into the conversation with the attitude ‘I am right and you are wrong!’ ?
• Do you go in to score a point or two? ‘I’ll show you!’
• Do you go in with ‘I know what I want, when I want it and NOTHING will change my mind?’
• Do you go in curious ‘I wonder what happened? I wonder what I am missing?’
• Do you go in respecting the other person and showing that respect throughout?

Actions speak louder than words. So you can say ‘I respect you and your opinion’ as much as you like and if your actions and behaviours do not show that, you may as well not have said it.

No matter how subtle, even a mental rolling of the eyes whilst you profess your respect for them and their cause, it will get picked up. The other person will know.

How DO you show up in a difficult conversation?

That brings me to the initial question. What has the stuff I have been blogging about have to do with difficult conversations? The answer is EVERYTHING. Several posts have been about who you are and how you show up in the world. And who you are being speaks loud and clear during those tough conversations. In my view it is the foundation and is a strong indicator for the outcome.

So what can you do? Set your intention, when things look like they’re going pear shaped, check if you are holding to your intention and if not, go back to it. Oh yes, this is a crucial moment. Because when your buttons get pushed, it is easy to lash out. Instead, take a deep breath or two. Take a break if you need to. Say something like ‘this conversation is not working right now. Let’s take a short break, collect our thoughts and resume in five minutes’.

Good luck! Let me know how this works for you.