Ask quality questions.
This is one of the principles Sidra Jafri used to teach at her event The Awakening.
She has us playing a little game where we stand up, pair up in twos and have a conversation where we are only allowed to ask questions. It is fun and much tougher than you think. In our culture we are so conditioned to answer a question; one or both of you invariably fall into the trap of answering a conspicuous question!
Why ask quality questions?
They provide solutions. They lead to inquiry and further questions. You gain insights, and information, expand your knowledge and deepen your understanding.
A quality question is powerful because it stimulates reflective thinking, challenges assumptions, opens up possibilities, and touches a deeper meaning.
A quality question E X P A N D S. An answer contracts.
Given my confession that addictions are in my awareness, I think it is time for quality questions.
Why is addiction showing up in my life?
What requires attention?
Where am I running patterns that no longer serve me?
What is it I have to let go of?
What am I not seeing, or understanding?
What am I pretending not to know?
What am I standing in the way of?
What is stuck because I am blocking the way?
What is the purpose of this behaviour?
What is it protecting me from and keeping me safe?
How is it hurting me and keeping me stuck?
What is the lesson here?
What is the purpose of this?
What is it my soul wants to experience through this?
Where am I out of alignment?
Where am I not cooperating?
Where am I showing resistance?
Where am I not showing up? Playing small?
What am I denying?
Who am I depriving?
What do I know, deep down, yet refuse to acknowledge?
When I think about this habit/addiction, where am I feeling it in my body?
If it could speak to me, what would it say?
What message does it have for me?
Who else is involved?
Who do I need to forgive?
Who do I need to ask to forgive me?
These are some of the questions I could consider. Or I could just pick those that resonate with me; especially the ones I baulk at: ‘No, not that one!’ Yep, those are exactly the ones that need attention!
The best way for me to do an exercise like this is to write it out, otherwise, it is too easy to do a mental bypass. Even better is when I write the question with my dominant hand and the answer with my non-dominant hand.
So there it is: my work cut out for me.
My invitation to you
Consider your own life.
Where does any of this apply in your life? Where are you running patterns that are outdated and no longer in your best interests? What are you addicted to?
What thoughts have crossed your mind along the lines of ‘I really should stop doing xxx…’? What have you had a go at giving up and failed miserably?
What habits are hiding out in your life that at first glance seems innocuous, yet it is an addiction nonetheless?
Whatever comes up for you, just be with it. Accept any uncomfortable thoughts.
Just notice, ‘that’s interesting,’ without judgement. Breathe through any uncomfortable feelings. Notice whether you feel shame, guilt, sadness, anger, fear, pride, happiness or contentment. Acknowledging the feeling reduces the charge.
If you can, take it a level deeper and connect to the need that is driving the feeling. Is it about control? Needing love or approval? Wanting to feel safe and secure? Is it about connection; wanting to be part of something you are not; or the opposite? These are normal human needs. There is no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about it! Identifying the need also helps to discharge the emotion.
Be Brave
It is tough to do this work on your own. Find some support, someone with an open mind who won’t judge you and who will just be with you.
If you do nothing else, run the questions; then live in the wisdom of this excerpt from Letters to a Young Poet, written by Rainer Maria Rilke.
“I would like to beg you, dear sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
Go on, be brave! What are you waiting for?
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